I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
