this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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