real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
