plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.