Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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