i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
