Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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