An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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