he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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