so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
