I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
