watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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