You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
