I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You are a genius and a whore.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
