Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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