I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
