It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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