one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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