OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
