so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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