Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
