So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
