I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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