I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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