so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
