If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
