Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
