It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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