When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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