I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
