there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
