If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
