Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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