Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
