dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
