dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
