we made out on top of his cat.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
