This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
