he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
