I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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