What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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