Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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