i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
