oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
