Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
