btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
one might say we're banned from that church
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
