She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
