Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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