The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
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Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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