The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
