smell my finger.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
