does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
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My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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