dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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