Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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