Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
