I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
