the new term for farting is butt boxing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
