what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
