If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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